According to my Uncle Ronnie, I wrote the letter on the left when I was very young. Sometimes you can't help but smile at the innocence and beauty of it. Remember me...

I'm on the verge of deciding to bring this blog to a close. It has been almost 3 years since I started this journal and I think its time to move on to another aspect of my life. One that is more glorifying to Him. When I started writing, I made a promise to myself that I would put down everything that is on my mind, regardless of what it made people think of me. But lately, I find that I am unable to. Whether its the new issues that have been coming up in my life or the thought of the consequences that I have to bear if I wrote down everything, I don't know.

I've currently started up another blog whose address I will not reveal. Just for my own thoughts where I can deal with the reality of my problems unabashedly. Growth requires change... and change requires sacrifice.

Please remember me.

Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: "Be holy, because I am holy.
| 1 Peter 1:13-16 |

Verse 13 & 14 says asks us to be different. As Christians, God expects a different way of life. Different from what we used to be like. Whats the use of calling ourselves Christian if we think, speak & act like the world? He has called us to be set apart for Him.
Verses 15 & 16 says we are to be Holy because He is Holy. Because thats the only way we'll be able to relate to Him. The verse quotes a phrase quite commonly used in Leviticus in the old testament. Be Holy for I am Holy. This was God's command to Israel. A nation that God had chosen and set apart from the rest of the world. He had big plans for it and they required higher expectations.

When someone has high expectations of you, in a way it means that that person believes that you have the ability or the potential to reach those expectations. But God is the one who provides the means for us to reach those expectations. Such that we need not be overwhelmed.

Sidenote:Its interesting to read that in Leviticus 19:28, it speaks against having tattoos or cuttings (piercings) of any kind. But in the verse before that, it also speaks against having your hair cut or your beard trimmed.

I've just come to the end of 2 gruelling days of training. ICCT (Intermediate Close Combat Training) has left all of us with many body aches. Its our preparation for our operation at the airport. And as we all know, suffering produces results!

Of the 7 specs from my batch posted here, only 4 of us are left. The ISP trio have moved to bunk with the rest of their platoon mates. We should be moving soon too. I'm left alone in the bunk now cos the rest of them went for nights out. Been feeling kinda melancholic/lonely lately. But its nothing new and nothing that I'm not able to handle.

Living by faith is not something that is unnatural or strange. According to Reinhard Bonnke, it is a coming home to what has been prepared for us since the beginning. God is always with us. All the time! He does not come in gusts, which forces me to rethink the concept of revival. There are no moods for God. (Thankfully!) Revival is constant because He never leaves.

::: Verse of the Day :::
You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you to go and bear fruit—fruit that will last. Then the Father will give you whatever you ask in my name.
| John 15:16 |

Isn't it amazing how uplifting worship can be? How a song can become more than just the sum of its different parts. Not just the voices & instruments coming together but the intent of the person who wrote the song, the experiences of the people who sing & play it. The sacrifices of time & effort that went into practicing it to make it an acceptable offering to the Lord. Thats why the music never gets boring. Its whats behind the music that counts.

On Sunday, Joe led worship. It was arranged so that there were no pauses between songs. I kinda felt that it was a little bit forced and over-elaborate. I thought he was trying too hard to impress the congregation. And then God rebuked me and made me see that this was Joe's way of worshipping. He showed me that Joe put a lot of effort into preparing it. I was so wrong to have thoughts like that and as soon as I asked God to forgive me, I was tearing and singing my heart out. My flawed judgement almost prevented me from enjoying a beautiful worship!

Acts 10:34-35 says...
Then Peter began to speak: "I now realize how true it is that God does not show favoritism but accepts men from every nation who fear him and do what is right.

But you, dear friends, build yourselves up in your most holy faith and pray in the Holy Spirit. Keep yourselves in God's love as you wait for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to bring you to eternal life.
| Jude 20-21 |

Th idea is to persevere...
1. To build myself up in faith
2. By praying in the Holy Spirit
3. And keeping myself in God's Love

Deuteronomy 30: 11-15 says...
"Now what I am commanding you today is not too difficult for you or beyond your reach. It is not up in heaven, so that you have to ask, "Who will ascend into heaven to get it and proclaim it to us so we may obey it?"
Nor is it beyond the sea, so that you have to ask, "Who will cross the sea to get it and proclaim it to us so we may obey it?"
No, the word is very near you; it is in your mouth and in your heart so you may obey it.

Right here, right now...

Sometimes when you're down, the weirdest things make you smile. I used to listen to Korn when I was in poly. Their music was basically dark and angry. The article is kinda long but worth the read...

Guitarist opens up about finding Jesus, helping kids and his solo debut

Storming onto the scene in the mid-Nineties, Korn changed the face of metal with their fierce infusion of rap and alternative rock. After non-stop touring with the likes of Ozzy and Marilyn Manson, the four-piece from Bakersfield, California, steadily built up a hardcore following that eventually earned them six Top Ten albums -- from 1996's Life Is Peachy to 2003's Take a Look in the Mirror -- and ten Top Twenty rock singles.
But last year, while Korn were working on a new record, guitarist Brian "Head" Welch quit, announcing that he had been born again in Jesus Christ. Now Head -- currently at work on his solo debut, Invitations Have Been Sent to All, due next spring, at his new studio in Arizona -- talks about the split with Korn, his battle with drugs and depression, and his reinvention as the "Christian Eminem."
Why did you leave Korn?

When we first started, Korn had power over all of our music and what we said -- the songs are pretty outspoken. Then with the last record, it seemed like everybody shifted from being down with the fans to wanting to make money, and our managers started getting really involved. They were telling us what songs to play -- and, I mean, they manage the Backstreet Boys! They started talking about hiring writers for the new record. I don't know if they did. And I was going, "Dude, this is stupid." I was a part of a band that's known for not selling out, that's written every album with the most heartfelt lyrics -- and now they're changing into a machine. We had a bunch of battles -- three people got kicked out at one time or another -- and my friends weren't even my friends anymore. So I left.
At the same time, I was hooked on drugs so bad -- everybody knows -- and I just didn't care, the last couple of years. I was really into my depression. And I heard my daughter, at five years old, at home singing, "All day I dream about sex" [from the Korn song 'A.D.I.D.A.S.'], and I was like, "I don't want to do this anymore!" I wanted to be a better person.
I found Jesus, and I'm totally healed from drug abuse and alcoholism. I was in my closet doing lines, and I had a bill rolled up, and I stopped and looked at myself. And I said, "Jesus, if you're real, please take this addiction from me. My child lost her mother to drugs -- please give her one parent who's free of this. Please make me want to live." I had a bunch of eightballs, and I threw them away. Rehab didn't work; looking at my daughter didn't help me kick drugs. But I felt like I could do it finally. Miraculously, [the addiction] fell away from me within a week. I started having hope.
What was your relationship to Christianity before?

I wasn't the happiest kid in the world. But when I was thirteen, I was hanging around with this family that was very peaceful -- they hardly ever fought. They told me about Jesus -- and I didn't know who that was, but I knew I wanted what they had. Then I drifted away from them. Puberty hit, and I got into trouble. I started really drinking and partying when I was sixteen.
I have a scripture, Matthew 11:28, on my neck now. It says, basically, "Dump all your problems on me -- your band, your addictions -- and I'm not going to put any guilt on you, or condemn you for your past."
Have your friends in the rock world been supportive? Were some alienated by the change?

I wanted to go and tell the media that I found Christ, and that I'm switching my life from crazy, evil darkness to light. I felt the spirit of God tell me, "You're going to be ridiculed. But never be afraid to claim my name." But I'm so happy, it doesn't matter what people think.
I'm really into learning about the Word and what it says in the Bible. I'd thought that church was just a manmade thing to get people to be goodie-goodies. But it's not about a bunch of rules; it's about the relationships God has with people, and reading about these people doing great things. I said, "I want to walk with You like these Bible heroes." This is like a roller coaster, better than any drug I've ever felt.
How has this affected your day-to-day life?

The first thing that I do when I get up is say "hi" to God. People will think I'm a little out there, because I talk to Him all day, wherever I am. If I go into a grocery store, it's "All right, God, help me pick out the right food so I can be healthy." I just sold my house and moved out of town because I thought God wanted me to move. I sold all my stuff, and I'm home-schooling my daughter with a nice lady. I'm kind of floating around right now.
I heard you went to India recently, to the state of Orissa, to open up an orphanage . . .

My new manager [and producer] Steve Delaportas -- we became partners in Fortitude Entertainment, which has, like, forty-two ministries. We take a salary, but all the profits -- from our film studio, our recording studio, our animation studio -- goes to building orphanages. We're calling them "Head Homes." And we just opened the first one in India. I feel a burden in my heart for the kids -- kids sleeping on the street, kids who we had to save from the brothels.
There's a tribe near there, the Lodha tribe, just a few miles from where we opened the orphanage. They're a cannibal tribe -- the government won't let anyone go out there -- and they asked us to take their kids, too. We went out there, got out of our car, and there were, like, 1,500 cannibals. I just looked right up to the sky and said, "What am I doing here?" But we sent them $7,000 worth of food and started making plans to build them an orphanage.
We're going to open homes in Egypt and Iraq and China, too.
Aside from opening these homes for kids, you decided you would continue making music, right?

At first, I thought I would just fade away and find myself for a few years. But then I felt like He told me, "Go out and use every trick you used with Korn. And not everyone is going to like what you're saying -- especially a lot of church people." I'll probably be, like, the Christian Eminem when the album comes out. My music is melodic and intense and euphoric. A lot of people think I'm going to be all soft, like, [sings in high-pitched choir voice], "Laaaa!" -- but a lot of Christians might think I'm straight from the devil with this music.
What are some of the tracks that might end up on the album?

I got a song, "Loyalty," which is about those [last] days with Korn: "Where did all the loyalty go?" I've got a song about a baby getting aborted, and my voice is the baby's voice, singing to the mommy and asking why she doesn't want to be his mom no more. The chorus is, "Jesus said my soul isn't dead/I'm waiting for you up in heaven." Right now, I'm writing one called "Time to See Religion Die," which is really heavy, and another song about India.
There's an exit from the anger tunnel that I was caught in for all those years in Korn. There's just so much hope in the music, but it's not lacking the heaviness that I've had in the past. Korn is about screaming out for love, about being an outcast -- but anger just beats you down into the ground. What we're missing is God, and He's not who we think He is. I used to believe that [God] was all those people pointing their fingers, saying, "You're going to hell!" Now I think those guys are in trouble. [God] loves us, and He's there to say, "Man, it's OK, no matter what you've done." It's cool to be able to tell kids that. That's what the title of the album's about: Invitations Have Been Sent to All.
You know, man, all the money that's gonna come from the music is going to help these kids all over the world. I don't need a Bentley anymore. I don't want stuff; I want the world to change. I've lived for me for too long.

Some words...

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
I try to make sense of this with my troubled mind.
But confusion overwhelms
There's no sense in taking the time
to fight this alone.
The struggle alone seems endless
But its something that we must do
Today I set my priorities
and tomorrow I let them go

Teach me victory
As if I cannot experience it
Show me righteousness
And I'll get my mind around it
Explain what love is once more
And maybe I'll understand
Its with your beautiful grace
That you hold my hand

Failure doesn't end the fight
It simply pushes you on
Knowing that on that glorious day
We'll be singing victory songs
Its not by might, not by power
its pointless to deny
By the Spirit of God
We set our hopes up high

I long for more of you Jesus
Not for the things of this world
I know you have the best in mind
Of treasures that are real
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Waffles & Spaghetti is finally over! What a relief! Haha... There's been so many things on my mind this week and I was really stressing myself out with all these things. But God as usual has been faithful in keeping me under his wing. Even when I was beginning to lose faith or where I didn't have any at all. There is something important to be learnt here today. I could have improved the program scheduling a little bit. But I think the whole thing went pretty well. I have Stanley to thank for the excellent discussion session that we had. Although we went past the alotted time, there were no complaints because most of them were learning quite a lot. And we still managed to start the BBQ keep the guys happy. Thanks to Super-Mom for the wonderful Bee Hoon, Chicken Curry and marinated chicken. Mark also was cool to hang out with, helping me shop for the food. Dennis for starting the fire in record time. Ezra the cook made sure our chicken was thoroughly cooked. (too soon to say?)

I learnt something today... I'm not the type who works very well under pressure. I need space to think and decide. Ok, maybe its not that I don't work well but rather I work differently. Probably one of the reasons why I didn't get into OCS back in BMT. But thats just digging up the past. I'm the type of guy who likes to do one thing at a time. So that I can focus on it and do it the best I can.

Worship today was good... Or so they tell me. I was very disappointed with the way I played today. I need so much more practice.

Just got back from an hour of street soccer downstairs... Quite fun mixing with some of the guys from my estate. Most of them seem to be much younger though. But soccer is soccer yah?

Gotta book in later tonight. The book-in syndrome is here...
I don't like it.

This service that you perform is not only supplying the needs of God's people but is also overflowing in many expressions of thanks to God.
| 2 Corinthians 9:12 |

What I am and what I give to Him doesn't just affect me. Yes its true that when I give all I have in service to Him, it comes back to me. And it gives glory to God. I don't know about what other people think, but I feel that God's idea of quality of service isn't the same as the one that we have. God's idea isn't based on the quality of the outcome. Its based on the quality of the heart. We keep forgetting that the quality of the outcome is handled by God.
In other words, I am putting too much effort in the wrong channel.

You will be made rich in every way so that you can be generous on every occasion, and through us your generosity will result in thanksgiving to God.
| 2 Corinthians 9:11 |

We've got to learn to give before we can be rich. Why do we hoard our money, talents and time if its meant to be given away anyway? This isn't easy for me to choose this path. Not with all the ridicule around the corner. Not when people will take you for some bum... Not easy at all.
But I will be rich.

I'm kinda tired now. Only slept 3 hours last night after waiting for Elissa and walking her home from her first day at work. Jeremy & Xiong left at around 12am. I reached home only at 3am. Elissa and I talked last night and it seems that things aren't going to work out. Whether its just for now or forever, by choice or by circumstance, I don't know. I was so frustrated last night but I've got no reason to complain. This whole thing was self-inflicted anyway.
There are probably a lot of people who don't have a very good impression of me because of our history. I didn't do some things very admirably and I got some bad rep... And being the non-confrontationalist, I laid low, remainded quiet and probably compounded my troubles.

Part of me knows this is the right thing to do. But the other half of me is screaming...

Happy October!! I've been wasting my life away being on course here in Singapore Polytechnic. This is my 2nd time being on course, the first time when I was in SI (Signal Institute). The first 3 days were spent listening to super simple IT stuff which I've heard so many times before. Today, we're learning how to scan, track & hack unsecure computers. I have no interest in learning all this crap... Teach me the preventive measures man! Haha... I'm just being super lazy these few days. The days are way too long. 8am to 5pm listening to lecturers.

I'm trying hard to get my life back. I see what I'll be missing out if I continue like this. I know exactly whats wrong. I know exactly what to do. But let me do it by myself. Let me fight this my way. Don't keep telling me whats wrong and what I should do. Its not making it any better. I want to do this on my own. I've lost that sense of ownership. Is it because of pride? That I think that I've built up what I have become on my own? Whatever happened to relying on Him for every little thing? Why do I want to be proud of my talents? Honestly, what talents do I have? Nothing that is good enough for anyone else! I've been finding it hard to play for worship. I keep feeling that I'm not good enough.

Class just ended... Time to go home. I'll think more about this on the way home.